Crossover Addicts Anonymous

I seem to have an obsession with ridiculous crossovers.

From my misspent youth, we have that Glee/Virals fic and its M*A*S*H/Virals successor, neither of which were very good. These were followed by Virals/Welcome To Night Vale, which was at least slightly less terrible, Mary Sueism aside.

These were the only ones I ever actually wrote (and you may have noticed a theme in them)

But it didn't stop there.

Additional concepts included  a crossover between Lockwood & Co. and Runemarks, and a three-way Hogwarts AU crossover featuring characters and adapted plotlines from Runemarks, Lockwood & Co., and The Order of the Stick. Fortunately for all of you, the former has been put on the backburner indefinitely due to being heavily Jossed, and the latter was a sleep-deprived mess that was abandoned within the week.

Even my current projects seem to end up as crossovers.

On my WordPress, I have a great number of posts about an AU known as the Kelvin Expansion, in which I reimagine Star Trek as if the whole franchise took place in the timeline created by the 2009 reboot. Now, this was intended as 100% Star Trek. Then Loki - to be precise, the fourth iteration of Loki as introduced in the final issues of Loki: Agent of Asgard - turned up, and brought Verity Willis with them. And then the SCP Foundation got involved. And then Greg and Mila and their colleagues from the Planet Rescue (aka Petz) games showed up. It's still mostly Star Trek, but, well...

Lokiverse may also end up low-key crossing over with Planet Rescue, and that AU is itself a fusion of a whole bunch of Marvel-based continuities, but somehow UFO AU managed to escape unscathed.

And then one day I thought to myself 'hey, you know what Star Trek really needs? Godzilla.' And so there is now a neatly labelled Google Doc in which I outline what Star Trek's Prime Timeline might have looked like had the first three movies from Legendary's MonsterVerse been pre-First Contact historical events.

Perhaps I need help.

If I Had Done The Reboot

The Star Trek reboot is, in many ways, a gateway drug to the adorable ridiculousness that is the original series. It's shiny and exciting and it has (I think) one of the best musical scores ever!

It also decided that Khan should be white, Kirk should be a douchebag, women didn't deserve rank stripes, and Amanda Grayson should be stuffed in the fridge, only the fridge is now a black hole.

It is perhaps unsurprising to learn that JJ Abrams was never a Star Trek fan (which raises serious questions). Fortunately, without Abrams and Orci at the helm, the reboot is actually starting to feel more like Star Trek.

So, what would happen if someone who actually likes Star Trek (such as myself) had been in charge to begin with?

1) Better Uniforms
Sure, the delta pattern ties in nicely to Discovery, but it looks cheap and weird - and it's not even an intentional tie-in because DSC didn't exist back then! Let's go with something that looks more like the actual nice Beyond uniforms. We'll have gold for rank stripes, because that is what it is supposed to look like. (The rick-rack is way too Sixties though - even if real-world Navy dress uniforms do use something similar.) And the women can have long sleeves and rank stripes because leaving those off makes zero sense. (But let's not spend too much money on Kirk's uniform shirts because they won't survive to the end of the movie.)

And the grey dress uniforms are flattering and all, but grey is so boring! Let's update the dorky silk getup instead! It was so pretty and shiny and weird! And on the subject of things that were dorky and weird and haven't made it into the movies as we know them, we're bringing back the Ballet Wrap of Captaincy, AKA the fatshirt. (Although to be honest there's still hope for that in canon. #XIVWishlist)

(Side note: in the reboot Simon Pegg keeps his natural hair colour when it doesn't make sense, but Chris Pine is initially bottle-blond despite having a workable natural colour. What the hell? And that haircut...)

2) Better Characterisation
Speaking of Kirk, his upbringing in the Kelvin Tineline was rather shitty, but is that really any excuse to derail the guy's characterisation so badly? I mean, they fixed it in Beyond, but the damage was already done by then.

I'm not sure what's sadder: the idea that they used Bad Fanon Kirk (the overly-macho shoot-first-ask-questions-later womaniser that pop culture remembers for some weird reason) as the basis for his characterisation rather than the canonical foundation-wearing attempted-feminist li'l nerd-captain who likes old poetry and talks about love and doesn't know how profanity works and randomly stops to pick flowers because they just didn't know any better (or care to do their damn research), or if they knew exactly what they were doing but mischaracterised anyway because God forbid mainstream media have male protagonists who don't quite fit the stereotypical action-hero mold. (There are cut scenes that show why the reboot version is the way he is, which points to neither of the above and make this all less terrible, but they were left out of the final film for... reasons that I am not entirely aware of. Possibly to make more room for explosions and boobs.)

Nu!Kirk is probably the kind of person who picked on Kirk Prime when he was younger, and that's just not right.

Meanwhile, it's maybe believable that baby Chekov would be less lecherous than Chekov Prime, and I like how Uhura gets to show off her BAMFness and be a major character, but Chekov Prime was a little shit and trolling everyone about Russia every other day and Uhura Prime managed to be a badass (cases in point: Mirror, Mirror; The Lorelei Signal; The Search for Spock) whilst still being quite cheerful and warm the rest of the time, and we've lost those lovely things that made them rounded characters.

The main problem here is Kirk, however. Maybe I could fix that. Say 'no' to Flanderisation!

3) No More iTrek.
I found a very interesting Tumblr post that pointed out that the blocky, outdated instrumentation of TOS is actually better than the shiny bright modern iEnterprise in terms of functionality. And the shiny white is so blah, anyway.

What I propose is a kind of halfway point between the pretty colours and sturdiness of TOS tech and the advancement of Discovery.

You see, what Discovery does right about its tech is that it's futuristic and shiny and aesthetically pleasing, but it doesn't look like an Apple product. And what TOS does right is that it's functional and hard-wearing, and everything is visually interesting. Because listen, if you're out in space for five years and everything is the same colour and that colour is kitchen-white, you're going to get cabin fever. But all those warm reds and oranges and pretty lights might make it bearable.

And come on, the two shows take place in the same era - might as well try and reconcile them, even if it is just in an alternate reality.

4) Canon Species
I love Keenser. I love Jaylah. I have no idea what the hell Syl was but she looked awesome. I love how creative the reboot's been getting with its species.  But I feel like one of the things that would really ground this (and Discovery, too) in the franchise as a whole would be the inclusion of TOS/TAS-canon Federation species, even just in the background. I mean, the Andorians and Tellerites (who should really get more mentions full-stop) were founding members! I'm pretty sure the only reason the Caitians made it in at all was Rule of Sexy. Can we have the occasional dark-haired Orion, too? Like, they've had black hair since forever and suddenly they're all redheads in the alternate timeline? Doesn't make sense! I sort of want to see the Edosians show up at some point, too. We could do that now, right?

5) Feminism and Diversity (Because the franchise that owes its existence to Lucille Ball and put a black lady, an Asian, and a Russian in central positions back in the Sixties, with a canonical female first officer existing in its backstory, is NOT just for dudes and has NOT gotten 'too PC')
Granted, TOS wasn't always brilliant with this either, but it was the Sixties, and even Turnabout Intruder can look less horrible with some creative reinterpretation! So let's do this shit!

Amanda Grayson doesn't have to die for angst. Yes, sometimes people close to the protagonists have to die, but Amanda is seemingly killed off purely so Kirk has something to use against Spock. (That, by the way, is a sentence that no-one should ever have to type.) And it's never mentioned again! I mean, it comes up in the comics sometimes (note,  I'm not up-to-date on these), but not in canon-canon. It's sort of like, 'oh, the main character's best friend just failed to save his mother! We've used it to start a fight and put the frat boy in command - on with the show!' So maybe she dies, but let her death be more than a reason to field-promote someone who probably shouldn't be in command at all whilst establishing that this is gonna get pessimistic and Edgy.

Also, no more non-consensual lingerie scenes! Like, I have less of a problem with Gaila's because she didn't care that the people she was with could see her half-naked because she was making out with one of them and the other was her roommate, but Uhura wasn't cool with it and neither was Carol (Alice Eve said she was okay with it, but that doesn't change the fact that the scene serves very little purpose save for chatalracter derailment and boobs). I have no problem with attractive female bodies in film and television- the problems arise when working said bodies into a scene is made a higher priority than consent. (Or characterisation - how hard would it have been to cut out the gratuitous catgirl threesome and/or Carol being perved on in her undies and put in that deleted scene with the Harewoods and Kirk actually behaving like a mature adult?)

(Also: WHY DO FEMALE CREWMEN NOT GET RANK STRIPES FOR THE FIRST TWO MOVIES??? WTF???)

Whilst we're at it, let's throw some forgotten female characters in there. Let Number One be Pike's XO again and be badass and awesome in her pants uniform WITH RANK STRIPES! Or hey, give her her own temporary command during a crisis! Just establish that she's out there! Let Christine Chapel have actual relevance and an actual portrayal and don't write her out in a way that implies that Kirk is a douchebag and also means we'll probably never get her back! Let Janice Rand drop by occasionally! I know Michael Burnham hadn't been created back when XI came out but come XIV let's establish her as a person doing things! (#XIVWishlist) If you really need a catgirl in this, there's an actual semi-canon Caitian officer (Lieutenant M'Ress from the animated series) who's also an actual competent professional with some vague relevance to the plot! It's as vague a relevance as any of the ladies filling in for Uhura when she's needed elsewhere ever really have, but it's better than existing purely to show that Kirk has lots of sex, right?

And whilst we're on the subject of diversity and Kirk's relationships...why not Kirk/Spock? FUCK YEAH T'HY'LA!!! (Okay, I know why this isn't officially canon, but they don't have to take every opportunity to emphasise that Kirk likes women and Spock has a girlfriend.)

And why is Khan white? Apparently they were originally considering a Puerto Rican actor, but that just raises more questions! Why was the role recast for a white guy when they knew it shouldn't be? And why can't we have an ACTUAL INDIAN ACTOR playing the INDIAN CHARACTER? IT'S THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, and Cumberbatch does not need to be in everything! Especially if his presence makes no logical sense!

6) Into Darkness is a completely different movie
You can even keep Cumberbatch in this one!

So, once upon a time someone saw a scene from Into Darkness before we knew that it was going to be a remake of Wrath of Khan, and noticed that it looked a whole lot like a scene from the second pilot (Where No Man Has Gone Before), right down to Alice Eve looking like Dehner. (I know that the reboot of that was like the first ever Ongoing comic, but this is MY rewrite, and so we'll ignore it.)

Just think how much better it would have been if they were right!

For one thing, Into Darkness feels (to me, anyway) like a better title for a remake of that episode than for a movie about space terrorists for some reason. For another, the canon Into Darkness is an attempt to update a classic movie whilst trying to cram a whole other movie into the last ten minutes and removing all the emotional context of Khan losing his wife and deliberately targeting the Enterprise crew because he blames them for her death and eventually causing a version of Kirk who's already in a bad place mentally to lose his closest friend and possibly-also-bondmate - wouldn't it allow for so much more creative freedom and be much more fun if instead they expanded and embroidered and played around with a forty-five minute episode to make it a movie?

Those of you who fancy Cumberbatch still get to lust over the antagonist, since I'll have him play Gary Mitchell. (Unless we cast Sebastian Stan...) Alice Eve is Elizabeth Dehner, who gets to be competent and have her canon job and get cool powers and an interesting character arc. And maybe she'll survive in this version!

And we get the power of friendship and teamwork and love defeating powerful megalomaniacs, because it's Star Trek and that is what Star Trek is. It's like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic except the ponies are full-grown adult humanoids and magic isn't really a thing. (Note: I don't know all that much about My Little Pony.)

And we don't go all militaristic. Fuck that shit. Yes, Starfleet is a military organisation, but exploratory and peacekeeping first and foremost. Yes, the original show was pitched as 'Horatio Hornblower IN SPACE!' but it was only quasi-military. Do some research!

7) Better Pairings
If you've read other stuff by me, you'll know that I'm not a big Spock/Uhura fan. I think it's partially to do with the fact that the two versions of their relationship bear no resemblance to each other.

In TOS, they had this really cute 'fuck yeah, jam sessions!' friendship, and some of her comments towards him were probably flirting (the one time he flirts back might not actually have been entirely him and therefore might not count). In the reboot it's very Angsty and Serious and did they hook up whilst she was his student? That's weird as hell!

And okay, maybe it was intended as TOS-canon,  but that's like saying "Monica was supposed to hook up with Joey, so we'll ignore her super-cute and functional marriage to Chandler" - all well and good in fanfic, but NOT IN CANON! Especially when your supplemental material tries to establish that this timeline wants to follow the original. And yeah, having a canon interracial relationship is Important and it's good that we can have that, but Uhura/Scotty was adorable and also canon. Uhura/Chapel is pretty rad too. I'm pretty sure she fancied T'Pring. She has options.

And besides, this is the twenty-first century - we could theoretically have canon Kirk/Spock! Okay, it wouldn't have made sense in the context of the first movie, but that's what relationship development is for! And we're overhauling everything anyway, so FUCK YEAH T'HY'LA!!! Maybe that was never truly canon, but it's more firmly established in the public consciousness than Spock/Uhura, right?

8) We're gonna destroy most of Kirk's uniform shirts.
It just ain't Star Trek until the shirt's past saving. I don't make the rules, guys. I know it happened in Beyond but seriously? Amateurs!

9) Colons will be a thing.
I don't understand why they aren't. It's upsetting for me.

Also, XI gets a subtitle. If TOS needs one so does XI. (The Future Begins is just the tagline but it makes such a cool title!)

10) Different origin story
Whether or not we leave George alive here is debatable (I think he probably does need to die), but the first movie needs some work. Not as much as its sequel, but work nonetheless.

For one thing, let's not destroy Vulcan. Maybe a Vulcan colony world, as a demonstration of power? Your imminent destruction is always worse when you know it's coming but can't do anything.

And fuck putting rulebreaker!Kirk on trial for something his counterpart was commended for and trying to ground him. I wanna see my precious nerd baby getting his commendation around the time his counterpart did, thinking everything's going to be just awesome...and then a few years later being unexpectedly thrown into a real-life crisis and realising that this is not going remotely to plan someone help me. Come on, you'd go see that movie.

Not quite sure how I'd get Spock Prime into this, but it's happening! And I'm shoving the pendant back into continuity somehow! You'll have to pry that scene from my cold dead hands! FUCK YEAH T'HY'LA!!!

So basically now I've made myself want to rewrite the whole thing in addition to all of my other projects and actually studying for my actual degree (which is not in media studies or anything else that I could use this post for).

Fuck.

Britain, Explained By A Brit

So, I found this list of things we Brits don't realise are weird, and have decided to publish an explanation. I don't know why, but this is important to me. And I don't want to leave a comment on the site and Tumblr's being weird, and I'm not using Facebook.

1. I have no idea what's going on here.
2. This is a thing that we do? I mean 'Hi, you okay?' is a sentence - you're greeting a person and asking about their wellbeing. Does anyone use 'you okay?' as a greeting? Is this a weird regional thing?
3. There is nothing stopping us making a PB&J, except the J is for 'jam' because jelly is that weird gross wet wobbly crap you put fruit in and/or serve to children.
4. We know that's weird.
5. Because we're organised. Unless the queue is for lunch in my sixth-form's brasserie, where groups of people will stand near the end of the queue but not in the queue so you stand behind them for ages before realising that they aren't the queue. Maybe it's a social-cues thing.
6. Yes, it is. Ice-cream is also a pudding. Bizarrely, Yorkshire pudding and black pudding are not. Most Brits don't seem to be aware of the fact that we are possibly the only country that uses 'pudding' and 'dessert' as synonyms.
7. We do have those blendy taps. However, most sinks and baths in public places, schools etc still seem to have the old lava-and-freezy types. As do some domestic ones. Presumably, the non-household ones are still there because councils are too cheap to replace them.
8. Yes it should, but I've only ever seen this weirdness in train stations. I've been in plenty of free public toilets.
9. We do? GOD! Baked beans are gross.
10. We have scampi. There are options besides fish and scampi? In restaurants we have lemon and salmon and stuff, and we have sushi bars, but you won't find that stuff in the chippy. Why would you? I don't understand what you're saying.
11. Where else would we...oh. That is weird. I've been in houses that have the washing machine in another room, but I always thought that was weird. Not everybody has a laundry room, guys.
12. Do you mean chips as in potato chips or chips as in 'fish and'? Either way, it's a national institution. And it's delicious.
13. NOPE.
14. The paper crowns come from the crackers. And why don't you guys have them? They're super fun! You get a shitty joke to mock mercilessly, a dumb crown to make your grouchy relatives wear or shove on your head and declare yourself ruler of everything or just wear and smile, and either a toy to placate children with or a useful item or a necklace or a chocolate or something (depending on the demographic being targeted) and I don't get why these aren't a thing elsewhere.
15. Yeah, we don't get that either. Apparently it's to promote discipline or to stop kids getting picked on for not having expensive fashionable clothes. All it really does is cause a headache for lower-income parents who can't keep up with changes to ludicrously-expensive uniforms. Plus bullies will just pick on kids for lisping or having a disability or crying in public or not conforming to gender norms or just being weird or whatever else so it's not like a uniform solves that problem.
16. I guess the butter helps the filling stick to the bread? Also it's fucking delicious. You guys don't do this?
17. I have no idea what this means. *googling* I think it was for Rule of Funny? Maybe?
18. I don't even know. I don't like cricket. They have invented a short version called T-20 that takes a specified amount of time rather than going on for days on end and apparently that's more fast-paced and enjoyable. But I don't like cricket unless I'm bowling and get to lob the ball really hard at somebody.
19. Why do you call them chips and not crisps? They're crispy. And the standard shape of crisp is more of a flake than a chip. We aren't the only ones with an illogical language.
20. I don't like hot drinks, but a hot drink will decrease the temperature difference between your body and the outside world.
21. 'Shit' is bad but 'the shit' is good. You guys use that one, right? See item #19.
22. Kangaroos will kill you. So will koalas. The seas are full of scary things like box jellyfish, which will kill you. There is a song about things in Australia that will kill you. Even the trees want you dead. And we clearly didn't want our criminals in the same hemisphere as us, let alone the same country. (Actually, I think part of it was letting them start new lives? That's easier in Ye Olde Australia than Ye Olde Liverpool.)

So, America, I have some questions for you:

1. Why do you call jam jelly?
2. Why do you have those massive gaps in your toilet doors?
3. The chips/crisp thing - what's up with it?.
4. Why don't you do Christmas crackers? They're fun and they're an opportunity for profit! You'd think someone would have jumped on this. You guys have a businessman as your president now.
5. Why don't you butter your sandwiches?
6. Why is your smallest portion size still a little too big for one person to eat?
7. The fish thing from #10.
8. Item #21.
9. Why baseball is a national institution. It's basically rounders.
10. Why college sports teams are a big deal.
11. Why do you call football 'soccer'? And why is your 'football' a bunch of people playing rugby in body armour? And why are you allowed to use your hands?